So, I’ve been keeping it low key lately. We just moved across the country and wait…let me not gloss over that. We drove from Florida to Texas pulling a car on a flatbed. In the backseat there were two incredibly needy toddlers, one of which was newly potty trained. And to make matters worse, it was a holiday weekend. We got through that trip on a wish and a prayer. After numerous stops to visit family and friends on the way, we finally made it to Texas.
Here we are going into week two and we’re trying to figure out a new normal. You would think we would be used to this. after all the moving we’ve done. During our last move, I had very recently had my second kiddo so I decided it best to stay home with them until something perfect came along career wise. That never really came, but I found a cool part time opportunity a year in and decided to do that for a while. It gave me the space I needed to feel like more than a mom and the ability to flex my muscles in my field. I’m pretty introverted so the adult conversation part is overrated but sometimes I need to check and make sure I’m still smart. That’s what this job did for me. I worked there for 6 months and then we found out we were moving back to home. Soooo….back to stay at home mom status, for now.
I had so much anxiety about this move, which you can read about in my previous post. There were tons of reasons why but one of the main concerns was staying at home with two toddlers.
Immediately after my first kid I had fantasies of what life was like for stay at home moms and knew I was meant for that life. But the grass is greener couldn’t be any more true in this case. Most moms know, when you’re at work, you want to be at home with the kids. When you’re at home with the kids you want to be anywhere without kids, preferably with a beverage and no one walking up to you with their hands out saying, “some?”
I’m home now for the time being and we’re off to a pretty rough start. We are staying with family until we find a house. Did I mention, I’m picky AF? And although he wouldn’t admit it, my husband is too. So… Mother in Law, we’ll be in your house for about six years, thanks! Luckily my family is amazing and we won’t end up with horror stories. But what this does mean is that my kids are sharing a room. This is a big change for us. Not only did they have their own unique and distraction free rooms, we were able to divide and conquer bed time. It was a fairly smooth process especially as they were getting older.
Now, we are starting over and everyday I want to cry at least twice a day, right around nap time and bed time.If they aren’t screaming at the top of their lungs because the lights are out, they are laughing uncontrollably at one another. Either way no sleep is being had.
I’ll never understand how kids don’t realize how delicious sleep is. It’s like they see it as torture of the worst kind. I feel terrible trying to walk away from my kid who just wants “to lay with me.” That is until I remember that it really means “let me put all my weight on top of you while I bounce around from side to side trying to act like I have any intention of going to sleep. ” Inevitably it turns in to a yelling match leaving me to feel like I’ve lost again.
Honestly, it feels like we’re all losing.
These days, I yell a lot. My daughter is old enough to feel shame and embarrassment and she cries just as easily as she hits people. Her older brother comforts her when she cries and he relishes in it, “Come here, baby girl, come to brother.” Lord have mercy, isn’t that my job?
Last Friday, I literally laid down on the couch trying not to cry as they swirled through the house like two relentless Tasmanian devils. I thought to myself, ” How am I going to make it through the rest of the day, it’s only 10am?” I vented to the hubs when he got home and he assured me it was just a transitional thing and all would be well. I reassured him that I knew he was obligated to say that from his place of escape privilege.
Today, I have yelled about 75% less than I did last week. So here’s to small victories. The day is still young and Grandma took them to the park for a few hours but you know, whatever. It still counts.
Nap time came and they put on the first and second act of their daily show “Defiance” and I made it through without yelling. No monster today.
Here’s to re-adjusting and re-learning my kiddos in this way. We’ll figure it out. I’m quite certain. Here’s to coloring books, flashcards and Netflix. And to giggles, and hugs and nuzzles on noses.
I try to remember that soon enough my kids will be grown and become the well behaved kids everyone thinks they are.
Yep, I’m raising little imposters too. The only difference is I’ll gladly let them fake it at home too.