I think I’m turning into a monster

So, I’ve been keeping it low key lately. We just moved across the country and wait…let me not gloss over that. We drove from Florida to Texas pulling a car on a flatbed. In the backseat there were two incredibly needy toddlers, one of which was newly potty trained. And to make matters worse, it was a holiday weekend. We got through that trip on a wish and a prayer. After numerous stops to visit family and friends on the way, we finally made it to Texas.

Here we are going into week two and we’re trying to figure out a new normal. You would think we would be used to this. after all the moving we’ve done. During our last move, I had very recently had my second kiddo so I decided it best to stay home with them until something perfect came along career wise. That never really came, but I found a cool part time opportunity a year in and decided to do that for a while. It gave me the space I needed to feel like more than a mom and the ability to flex my muscles in my field. I’m pretty introverted so the adult conversation part is overrated but sometimes I need to check and make sure I’m still smart. That’s what this job did for me. I worked there for 6 months and then we found out we were moving back to home. Soooo….back to stay at home mom status, for now.

I had so much anxiety about this move, which you can read about in my previous post. There were tons of reasons why but one of the main concerns was staying at home with two toddlers.

Immediately after my first kid I had fantasies of what life was like for stay at home moms and knew I was meant for that life. But the grass is greener couldn’t be any more true in this case. Most moms know, when you’re at work, you want to be at home with the kids. When you’re at home with the kids you want to be anywhere without kids, preferably with a beverage and no one walking up to you with their hands out saying, “some?”

I’m home now for the time being and we’re off to a pretty rough start. We are staying with family until we find a house.  Did I mention, I’m picky AF? And although he wouldn’t admit it, my husband is too. So… Mother in Law, we’ll be in your house for about six years, thanks! Luckily my family is amazing and we won’t end up with horror stories. But what this does mean is that my kids are sharing a room. This is a big change for us. Not only did they have their own unique and distraction free rooms, we were able to divide and conquer bed time. It was a fairly smooth process especially as they were getting older.

Now, we are starting over and everyday I want to cry at least twice a day, right around nap time and bed time.If they aren’t screaming at the top of their lungs because the lights are out, they are laughing uncontrollably at one another. Either way no sleep is being had.

I’ll never understand how kids don’t realize how delicious sleep is. It’s like they see it as torture of the worst kind. I feel terrible trying to walk away from my kid who just wants “to lay with me.” That is until I remember that it really means “let me put all my weight on top of you while I bounce around from side to side trying to act like I have any intention of going to sleep. ” Inevitably it turns in to a yelling match leaving me to feel like I’ve lost again.

Honestly, it feels like we’re all losing.

These days, I yell a lot. My daughter is old enough to feel shame and embarrassment and she cries just as easily as she hits people. Her older brother comforts her when she cries and he relishes in it, “Come here, baby girl, come to brother.” Lord have mercy, isn’t that my job?

Last Friday, I literally laid down on the couch trying not to cry as they swirled through the house like two relentless Tasmanian devils. I thought to myself, ” How am I going to make it through the rest of the day, it’s only 10am?” I vented to the hubs when he got home and he assured me it was just a transitional thing and all would be well. I reassured him that I knew he was obligated to say that from his place of escape privilege.

Today, I have yelled about 75% less than I did last week. So here’s to small victories. The day is still young and Grandma took them to the park for a few hours but you know, whatever. It still counts.

Nap time came and they put on the first and second act of their daily show “Defiance” and I made it through without yelling. No monster today.

Here’s to re-adjusting and re-learning my kiddos in this way. We’ll figure it out. I’m quite certain.  Here’s to coloring books, flashcards and Netflix. And to giggles, and hugs and nuzzles on noses.

I try to remember that soon enough my kids will be grown and become the well behaved kids everyone thinks they are.

Yep, I’m raising little imposters too. The only difference is I’ll gladly let them fake it at home too.

 

Healing Waters

“Don’t ever discount the wonder of your tears. They can be healing waters and a stream of joy. Sometimes they are the best words the heart can speak.” ― William …

On being a trailing spouse

Recently, I found out my husband’s job is transferring back to our hometown. As someone who is perpetually homesick, you’d think I would have jumped with joy the moment he told me. I didn’t.

Let me back up a bit. In 2013, I was working as a mental health counselor at a nonprofit domestic violence agency . After just completing all the requirements from the state and obtaining my full license, I was excited to begin my life as a private practitioner. I had been interviewing different offices, trying to find a practice that I wanted to make that leap with. You see, I had already switched careers. Working successfully in higher education for years I wanted a career that focused more on the skills that came naturally to me and helping people work through their issues was one of those skills. I also wanted to be more in control of how much money I made(because higher ed be like we ain’t got no money but we want you to work 365 days a year for peanuts.) I thought private practice was a real way to go in to business for myself without feeling like I was really “selling” something. Well, while all of this was occurring, my husband was trying to break into a new field within his industry. To do so, he’d have to move around, like literally, around the country. So, I decided to be completely selfless and suggest that we take a few years and do just that. We could move around the country for different jobs while he gains experience in his new field. Sounds so selfless, huh?

Well it wasn’t long before he found a great gig. A few weeks later we were off to the Midwest. Ugh. Did I mention we’re from Dallas. We were moving to St. Joseph, MI.  I did freak out a little because I wouldn’t be five feet from a Target but there was one within 15 minutes and their natural hair product section was decent. So you know what? It’s cool. I’ll volunteer and go to the gym and realize my life long dream of becoming a hot philanthropist. Because helping people while feeling beautiful is the stuff dreams are made of. I sound like a great person, don’t I?

Obviously these are the things I’m telling myself, right?

Hey Imposter, girl! There you are!

Fast forward to present day (four years later) and here’s what I realize was happening back then. During all the job change and excitement, we were also struggling with recurrent pregnancy loss (i.e. a bunch of miscarriages in a row) I was constantly trying to keep myself afloat while remaining faithful and keep from slipping into full on depression. (Okay no, let me not sugarcoat that. I totally fell face first into depression following my first miscarriage.) However, the excitement from my new career (and the fact that all of my coworkers were counselors so my sessions were free) kept me from sinking down too far.  With no real resolution to this sadness in sight, moving was a good idea. I just wanted to get away from this town that reminded me of the one thing we hadn’t been able to do. Besides, in the back of my mind I knew I was becoming a counselor because I was good at it and because others thought I should. But not because it’s necessarily my thing. But did I really even have a thing? See, this is what I needed to get a way from.

Leaving allowed me to have an acceptable reason to not have to care about my career. Not have to have a trajectory, or to dress for the job I wanted. I didn’t have to network and make fake friendships just to get ahead. I didn’t have to have children to rely on as a buffer from the world. I didn’t have to explain why we didn’t have children yet. I could just exist in a life centered around my husband’s career and that my friends, is socially acceptable. Unfortunate, but true.

So for the first few weeks after he told me we were going home I was anxious and not excited. Everyone picked up on it, but no one knew why. I mean if you’ve ever spoken to me you know I long for nameless donut shops on every corner,  and kolaches, and black bean dip, tacos from the gas station and ALL the margaritas.

But now I know, I’m grieving. It’s the end of a life where I’ve been living expectation free. I could make decisions free of judgement and just go with the flow. It was completely liberating, I could interview for a job with the absolute most confidence because our life wasn’t centered on my having a job. When I got offered that job I could approach that position from the perspective of my true self and not someone seeking to get ahead. When I took that job and found out two weeks in that I was pregnant (successfully this time), I didn’t have to feel bad about what that meant for my career trajectory. When I got pregnant again shortly before our second move, I didn’t have to worry about choosing to stay home. I was free. I would later even go back to work part time just to flex old muscles and gain some new skills without the commitment. Like seriously, I never knew I could feel this free.

I’ve been viewing this move as a return to responsibility (as if I’ve been free of it some how. Hello, two kids!)  I’ve been feeling like I have to have the answers. What are you going to finally get that PhD. in? What career field are you going to go back to? Counseling? Higher Ed? Something else? Do you pick a career for money because daycare or a career you’re passionate about because life is short? Is staying home an option? Do you even want that? Nope, nope, nope definitely not! We’ll maybe just not full time. I don’t know. Well, look at that. I almost have a piece of an answer.

So I’m training myself to view this move as an opportunity and not the end of an era. Throughout these last four years, I’ve given myself permission to learn new things and be brave enough to do things I didn’t think were acceptable. Maybe I left as a trailing spouse, but I’m returning home as a renaissance woman. I like the sound of that. Maybe I’ll make that my headline on LinkedIn.

BTW, I’m still posting recklessly to get over my fear of writing. Forgive the oopsies.